


Princess of the unicorns

by Snowblazehollyleafstar



Series: The Chronicles Of RC 841.720 [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children - Ransom Riggs, Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 10:51:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18222143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowblazehollyleafstar/pseuds/Snowblazehollyleafstar
Summary: In their first recorded mission, Agents Edward and Kat tackle a Sue who claims to be the princess of the unicorns. Edward is annoyed by the awful grammar and Kat is annoyed by the Sue messing with her Lust Object.(Prior knowledge of neither Miss Peregrine (my agents' home continuum) nor the PPC is required)





	Princess of the unicorns

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I only own Agents Edward and Kat. Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children belongs to Ransom Riggs, the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia and "Princess of the unicorns" belongs to LunaLuck of Quotev.
> 
> Thank you to eatpraylove for beta-reading.

Edward had just reached for a pack of cards when the console went [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!].

“Typical,” he muttered, reaching the console before Kat had even managed to get up from the sofa where she was listening to music on her iPod.

He hit the console to stop the beeping, and then cringed as he saw the summary.

“You’ll like this, Kat!” he called.

She removed her headphones and said “Do I detect a hint of sarcasm there?”

Edward nodded and began to read. “‘Princess of the unicorns – Remus Lupin Love Story’”.

Kat’s neutral expression quickly turned to one of horror. “I’ve only heard the title, and I already hate this Sue. That must be a record.”

Edward continued with the actual summary, voice practically dripping with sarcasm. “‘Hi! My name is Uma White! I love to sing, and dance! Also I am the last of the white family, because my mum and dad where killed by Voldy moldy, yeah, I hate him too, anyway, the only reason I’m an orphan, is because I have a power, a rare power! I have unicorn blood running threw my veins! Yep,…’” At that point the console ran out of space to display the full summary.

“Oh, no. This is truly awful,” Kat said. “I’m lost for words. Which is strange, as I’m speaking right now.”

“Well, they do call it badfic for a reason,” Edward replied, trying and failing to crack a smile. “So, that’s an overuse of exclamation marks, a run-on sentence, and two confusions of homophones… and we’re only in the summary. Pack the Bleeprin: this is going to be a really awful mission.”

Kat nodded and stood up. “And… Voldy Moldy? The only character who ever said that was Peeves, and… well, he’s Peeves. He shouldn’t be taken as a model of behaviour.” She grabbed about ten six-packs of Bleeprin and shoved them into her pink backpack. Glancing more closely at the fic, she said “It’s first-person – have you got the crash dummy?”

“Oh,” said Edward, “well spotted.” He began digging around in the cupboard underneath the console until he finally produced a yellow cube and the Canon Analysis Device. “Bet you this explodes within the first two chapters.”

“What shall we bet? Winner gets to kill the Sue?”

“You’re on,” said Edward, and the twins shook hands.

“Don’t forget the disguises,” Kat said, as Edward was about to open the portal. “Generic Students?”

Edward nodded and began fiddling with the console while Kat fidgeted impatiently.

“Ready,” he said. Then he reached for the RA and set the coordinates. “I… really don’t want to do this.” 

“Come on, at least this Sue doesn’t go near your LO.”

“I don’t have an LO,” Edward protested. “Anyway, can we get this over with?”

He grabbed his rifle from the table and checked that it was loaded. Kat picked up a pink notebook, the cover of which had been vigorously scribbled on, a small pencil, and an Invisibility Cloak.

The twins stepped forward into the fic, Kat flinging the Cloak over them both, and Edward inflated the Crash Dummy, which merely turned itself into a Generic Person. “Sue didn’t describe herself,” he said. “That’s a first!”

 **Uma P.O.V.** said a booming voice from the sky, and then a stray asterisk fell from the sky and landed by Kat’s feet.

The Sue was nearby, **working on her latest prank.** Edward tried not to look too closely at the completely undescribed setting. It was making his head ache.

That and the tense shifts. Feet are now coming towards them, the body apparently missing.

“Why can’t they just pick a tense and stick to it?” mutters Edward through gritted teeth. 

The RA beeped. [Unbelievably unstable tenses detected. Revert Agents to permanent past tense? Y/N.]

Edward hit the “Y” button immediately.

Kat threw the notebook and pen at him. “Start collecting charges, for goodness’ sake,” she said. “The more we get, the sooner we can kill and get out of here.”

Edward nodded and began scribbling down the tense shift charge. Meanwhile, the owner of the mysterious feet—an unnamed headmistress, as it turned out—was threatening to expel the Sue for playing so many pranks.

“Hold on, where’s Dumbledore?” asked Edward. “We’re supposed to be in the Marauders’ time period, and I know he was Headmaster then.”

 **“Uma white” fumes** the headmistress, steam coming out of her mouth, **“you are hear by expelled from Illvormorny school of witchcraft and wizardry!”**

“Oh,” Edward said, “this is Ilvermorny! Why didn’t they, you know, tell us that earlier?”

Kat grabbed Illvormorny the mini-Aragog. “Portal, please?” she said.

Edward looked up from his furious scribbling of charges. “Oh. Right.” He quickly punched the coordinates in and Kat shoved the mini through to HFA.

Then, as Edward went back to his writing, time sped up. The agents were rushed through the undescribed Ilvermorny at a breakneck pace before being flung through a three-day time skip.  
Edward found himself lying on the ground with an indignant mini-Aragog on his chest. “Timeskips bad, very bad…we hates the timeskips,” ilvomorny muttered, clicking its pincers.

“Easy for you to say, you get to scuttle off to HFA and not have to deal with this anymore,” Edward grumbled as he stood up. He opened a portal to HFA again, and the mini did indeed scuttle through without even a hiss of gratitude. “What’d I miss?”

“Nothing much. I think we’re in the Sue’s friend’s house.”

Just then, a window appeared from thin air, as did a very confused owl with a letter in its beak. Edward stepped out of the Sue’s line of sight as she went to let the owl in.  
Her friend, lacy (no capital letters), said “Huh, that was odd.”

The Sue then read the letter, but the italics had been switched off too soon so the words **“Amanda Crookfield, Head of Wools orphanage”** were heard loudly.  
“Of course she lived in an orphanage,” said Kat through gritted teeth. “Poor trajik thing.”

“Hang on…” Edward said suddenly. “That letter mentioned Hogwarts…” 

“Yes,” Kat said, not understanding what Edward meant, then “Oh! Ever heard of any wizarding orphanages?” 

“No.” 

“Charge.” 

“I’m a bit behind with the charges at the moment…” Edward held up the list, which had only reached “annoying PPC agents by badly written time skips”. 

Kat rolled her eyes and snatched the notebook. “I’ll do it,” she said, and began writing at breakneck speed. She kept an eye on the Words while she did this, just in case. “There’s one coming up soon. We should portal.” 

Edward opened a portal and they stepped through to the next chapter, avoiding the author’s note. 

They immediately fell into a dream sequence, helpfully marked *dream*. 

Two children were playing Tag in a yard. The girl was clearly the Sue, and the Words said the boy was called James. 

“James… Potter?” Kat asked, taking deep breaths to control her anger. 

Edward nodded and then smiled as James tricked the Sue into being caught. “He’s relatively in character, at least,” he said. 

“Shall we check that?” asked Kat. “Got the CAD?” 

Edward nodded and pointed it at James. 

[James Potter. Human male. Canon. OOC 10%.] 

“Told you,” said Edward. 

After James was called inside, the Sue and the agents were pulled into another dream, in which the Sue was celebrating her tenth birthday party in Generic Space with her Generic Parents. 

“Lack of description,” Edward muttered. 

“James went to France?” Kat said sceptically. “Is this on holiday, or…?” 

Edward shrugged. 

******The door was blasted open.** ** **

Kat winced. “You know that thing in the summary about Voldemort killing her parents?” 

“Is this it?” Edward frowned. Voldemort entered, described only as **a man in a cloak.**  
**“Avada kadavra!”**  
There was no flash of green light, instead just **thump! The dad fell to the floor.** Edward carefully picked up kadavra the mini-Aragog. 

As Voldemort did the same to the Sue’s mother, Edward portaled kadavra to HFA. He was getting faster at that. 

Then, after a description failure gave the Sue Voldemort’s red eyes, **everything went black** , including the agents’ field of vision. 

As the Sue woke up, light returned to the fic and three asterisks fell from the sky, landing on Edward’s head. 

Kat had nearly caught up with the charges. “Turning the entire world black…” she muttered. “Charging for tense shifts is getting a bit pointless now, isn’t it?” 

The Sue was somehow able to tell that the dreams were actually memories. She also didn’t remember anything about James, despite her having been ten when she’d last seen him. And she confused “were” with “where” twice in the space of one paragraph. 

“So… she lived in Britain until she was ten?” Edward asked. “Then… why on earth did she attend Ilvermorny?” 

“To give her an excuse not to meet the Marauders until fifth year,” Kat replied, scribbling down one final charge. 

Uma actually described the clothes she was wearing, including **a dark blue dress that faded into purple with a white feather pattern on it.**

Neither agent looked too closely at the dress. It made their heads spin. 

Lacy informed the Sue that they were doing Side-Along Apparition as Uma couldn’t Apparate yet. 

“The Sue got something right,” said Edward. “What a miracle!” 

Kat merely watched Uma eating bacon and eggs in approximately ten seconds. 

“We need to portal,” said Edward. “I’d rather not let this badfic jerk me across continents.” 

Kat nodded and opened a portal to the next chapter. The agents stepped through. 

At the start of the next chapter, set in the orphanage, it was explained that Uma had moved to America so Voldemort couldn’t find her. 

“How about explaining why Voldemort didn’t just kidnap her when she was ten if he wanted her that much?” muttered Edward sarcastically. 

They followed the Sue into a Generic Room, the only description of which was that it was **still the same.**

Soon the Sue’s trunk and guitar appeared out of thin air. “Hyperspace guitar!” said Edward. “Shall we steal that?” 

Kat nodded. “Someone in HQ’s got to be interested in it.” Then she noticed what had appeared along with the trunk and guitar. 

The Sue had a **Phoenix named sir Hamilton gilleged Winchester the 3rd – But I just call him Ham.**

The siblings both winced. “What’s the most painful method of execution you can think of?” asked Kat through gritted teeth. 

“Feed her to the giant squid?” suggested Edward. 

“DoSAT will be furious if we break the crash dummy. Talking of execution methods,” Kat said, “this is the third chapter.” 

“And?” 

“The CAD hasn’t exploded yet.” 

“That’s not fair,” Edward protested. “We’ve barely seen any canons – ” 

“You should have specified that at the time, shouldn’t you?” Kat smiled. “Anyway, she’s rightfully mine. She goes after Remus.” 

The agents’ bickering was interrupted by a knock on the door. The Sue was told someone was here to take her to Diagon Alley. 

The elderly woman took the Sue to the fireplace so she could travel by Floo Powder. The Sue shouted “DIAGON ALLEY” without actually stepping into the flames. 

“Charge for deafening agents by shouting unnecessarily loudly,” Kat muttered, as they followed the Sue through the fireplace. For some bizarre reason it deposited them outside, where Uma was **just starting to walk around.**

She bumped into someone and asked if they were alright. It turned out it was Stephen, who had bullied the Sue at Ilvermorny. 

“What’s he doing in London, then?” asked Edward. 

“Suethor logic,” Kat replied. “Don’t ask.” Illvormorny appeared in front of her with a faint pop. “Hello again. Meir Brin’s gonna be looking for you.” And she sent the mini through yet another portal back to HFA. 

Stephen covered the Sue’s mouth and grabbed her wrist, pulling her towards **Nockturn Alley** , a place mostly identical to the canonical Knockturn Alley but with poorer lighting. 

“Riggs and Rowling, that looks creepy,” Kat muttered sourly. “Think before you type, people.” 

Just then they were jolted by a PoV switch into **James P.O.V.** James followed the Sue, and Edward followed the newly-created mini-Aragog Nockturn long enough to send it away. 

When Stephen pushed Uma into a wall, her face turned into a pancake. Kat snorted as the Words took the metaphor literally. The Sue’s glasses **brake.**

“I have to give her credit for having glasses,” Kat said reluctantly. “Not many of them do.” 

As Stephen raised his fist, James came along to save the day. Stephen surrendered without a fight. 

James introduced himself and shook hands with the Sue. As they walked away, James mentioned that he hadn’t caught her name. 

******“that’s because I didn’t throw it! “** ** **

******One thing to know about me is, I can have to the most awesome, or annoying sarcastic comments.** ** **

“I’d say that one qualifies as the latter,” said Edward. Then they were thrown forward into the next chapter, having been too busy being furious with the Sue to notice the upcoming transition. 

****_***back at the orphanage*** _ ** **

It turned out that the inevitable time skip was eleven days long. As the new chapter opened, Ham the Sooper Speshul Phoenix had brought the Sue a letter. 

****_Dear Ms. White,_****

__

__

_****I was wondering if you would like to sing for the opening of this new school year,****_

“What?” said Kat indignantly. “No! Please, no!” 

The Sue had made up an old tradition about her great-grandfather to give her an excuse to sing. She, of course, accepted Professor Dumbledore’s invitation. 

For some reason the Sue travelled by Floo Powder to the Leaky Cauldron, which was misspelled as the **leaky couldron**. Edward sent yet another mini-Aragog to HFA, and then the agents fell through a time skip to the Hogwarts Express. 

Edward and Kat found a carriage next to the Sue’s and settled down for the journey, Kat casting a Super-Sensory Charm so they could see what was going on next door. 

A plump boy walked in. He had a mousey looking face and a stutter as bad as Professor Quirrell’s. 

“That’ll be Pettigrew, then. I suppose at least he exists.” 

“Doesn’t explain why he has such a bad stutter, though,” said Edward. “He’s not quite that bad in canon.” 

Peter was followed by the rest of the Marauders, to no one’s surprise. 

When Uma introduced herself, James immediately jumped up and hugged her. 

Kat groaned. “I need Bleeprin…” she said hoarsely. 

Edward wordlessly passed a tablet to her as the chapter ended, deciding to save his own share for later. 

The next chapter featured some dialogue between Uma and the Marauders. Remus was deep in a book and Peter was still stuttering away. Edward groaned at the first of many obligatory “Serious” puns. 

Then the trolley came around and the Marauders ordered sweets. Uma ended up with some Every-Flavour Beans. 

The trolley witch left the Sue’s compartment and continued to Edward and Kat’s. 

Edward ordered twenty chocolate frogs, being in need of some chocolate. 

“I don’t want any,” said Kat, “but don’t you think twenty is a little excessive?”. 

Kat didn’t try all that hard to hide her laughter as the Marauders pranked Uma into eating all the disgusting Every-Flavour Beans, and neither did Edward. 

The Sue then went to ask which flavours she should try in the next compartment, luckily going the opposite way and avoiding the agents. Apparently, she didn’t want to go far in case she got lost. 

Edward spat out a piece of Chocolate Frog. “What?” he said. “It’s a train, for goodness’ sake! You can’t get lost on a train!” 

Kat simply laid down across a few abandoned seats. 

The people in the other compartment were Carrine Lynx (the Words showed the name as a link, but neither agent felt like finding out what it showed), Derrick, and Mara. 

When Uma asked her question about the flavours, Carrine called her a Mudblood. 

“I’m sorry, how…” said Kat. 

James (never mind how he could see and hear what was going on in the other carriage, of course) then tried to hex Carrine, who dodged as people started “streaming” down the corridor. Edward and Kat stayed where they were as the Sue tried to get through. 

“Let’s make ourselves comfortable,” said Edward, “this goes on for almost an hour.” 

“An hour?” said Kat incredulously. 

Edward nodded. “Don’t suppose you’ve got any cards with you?” 

“As a matter of fact, I do!” Kat pulled a miniscule pack out of her pocket. 

“These are tiny!” said Edward, studying them closely. “How are we meant to play with them?” 

“Bigger ones would get in the way,” said Kat, taking them back from Edward and opening the box. “Want to play Sevens? I’ll deal first.” 

“Sounds fine.” 

By the time the “almost an hour” was up they had played eight games, of which Edward had won five and Kat three, and Edward was just dealing the ninth round. 

“It’s okay,” said Kat, “keep going. Just a short scene and then the fic ignores the rest of the journey.” 

James had now acquired some new bruises and Carrine a cut on her cheek. Kat mostly ignored the fighting talk between Carrine and the Sue, scribbling down a charge for making enemies for no sensible reason, and then picked up her cards for the next round. 

Three or four hours later, they were on the twenty-fifth game and it was twelve all. The tension was high as Kat dealt the final round. 

Edward started with the seven of diamonds and Kat glanced at her hand. Three end cards. Not too bad. She played the seven of clubs. 

Five minutes later, the game hung in the balance. Edward had three control cards and Kat five – but it was her turn. 

Kat quickly let her eyes unfocus to check the Words before she went. The Sue’s **train of thought** (Kat wasn’t sure whether the pun was intentional) **was interrupted when** she heard **the train slow down.**

“Better hurry,” she said, playing the two of hearts. “Nearly there.” 

Edward smiled triumphantly as he flung down the Ace – and then they were jerked through a chapter transition. The cards flew everywhere. 

“The Ironic Overpower strikes again,” he muttered as the Sue ran out of the train before the door had even opened. 

Then a very short timeskip (or possibly an unmarked scene change) dumped them on the floor of the Great Hall. “There could have been a chapter transition that overlapped this, but nooooo, the author just had to keep them separate,” said Kat. 

They quickly picked themselves (and the cards) up, ignoring the random blob of Sar-Plasm, and hurried over to the nearest table, Ravenclaw. 

Edward grabbed the mini **Proffessor Dumbledore** as the real Professor stood up to make an early announcement, getting his speech marks in a mess. 

**“Ah, welcome to another year at Hogwarts.” “we will begin the sorting very soon, but I have and early announcement,”**

Kat began scribbling furiously. “Redundancy, anyone?” she asked, smiling as if offering some food. 

The early announcement was, of course, about the Sue, who stepped up to the Sorting Hat. Edward and Kat both began to read the Words. 

Uma was ridiculously impatient, telling the hat **“Dude! I want to get sorted!”** It called her determined for that, and eliminated Hufflepuff for that reason. 

“Impatience is not the same thing as being determined!” seethed Edward. 

“And determination is actually a Hufflepuff virtue,” Kat added. “I should know, I am one myself. Bleeprin?” This time Kat took two tablets and swallowed them both at once. Edward also swallowed one. 

The Hat then told Uma that she wasn’t that witty and mentioned that she would do well in Slytherin. She avoided Slytherin in exactly the same way as Harry had canonically done, and was inevitably Sorted into Gryffindor. 

“What an incredible surprise,” Edward remarked. Kat continued scribbling, also charging for Dumbledore somehow being able to whisper in the Sue’s ear from the High Table, Uma doing a Neville Longbottom and not taking the Hat off, and in-text author’s notes. 

Then the agents had to put up with a PoV shift and then a second almost immediately afterwards, the first years’ Sorting being skipped over. 

“Grab your headphones,” said Edward. “She’s about to sing.” 

He portaled a mini-Aragog (Sonorous) to HFA and then stuck his fingers in his ears, as the Sue started **to play** her **guitar and start** ed **to sing, Don’t you worry ‘Bout a thing, by tori Kelly.**

There was actually a video of the song in question in the text. Kat wrote down the charge and began reviewing the list, ignoring the Words which were just the lyrics of the song. 

**Then the whole hall erupted into applause.** Unfortunately, this broad description also affected the agents. “Stupid Words…” Kat muttered, gritting her teeth and clapping in a strangely forced way. 

Edward was somewhat less affected thanks to plugging his ears, and so his involuntary applause was closer to a golf clap than anything. 

The Sue simply sat down and then everyone began to eat. Just as the agents were about to grab some Generic Food, they were pulled through a time skip into the next chapter. 

“This is the girls’ dormitory,” Kat remarked. 

“And?” 

“You shouldn’t be here.” 

“Nor should you! You’re a Hufflepuff!” 

“Someone’s got to keep an eye on the Sue, and I’m at least less unsuitable than you are.” 

Edward nodded. “Put the Cloak on, though.” 

“Oh,” said Kat, pulling it quickly out of her bag, “I nearly forgot!” She threw it over herself and Edward descended to the common room. 

Kat watched as the Sue began to get up, before anyone else in her dorm. Uma saw **the start of a zombie apocalypse** when she looked in the mirror. 

Once the Sue had got back from the bathroom one of the others was up: a blonde-haired girl. There was a link to a picture of the blonde girl, but Kat stayed well away from it. 

Soon a third girl emerged with incredibly messy auburn hair, whom the Words confirmed was indeed Lily Evans. The blonde girl was Alice Fortescue, possibly a fusion of multiple canon characters. 

Then another jarring scene change-slash-timeskip threw Kat into the Great Hall at breakfast. She picked herself up and went over to the Ravenclaw table to sit next to Edward. 

The agents were pleasantly surprised to see that there was actually proper food, rather than Generic Food. Kat grabbed a pancake and shoved it into her mouth. 

“Don’t get too comfortable,” Edward warned, “there’s another time skip coming up.” He portaled Lilly the mini-Aragog to HFA. 

Kat charged for the Sue going to class (Potions) about two hours early. 

They portaled down to the dungeons for Potions rather than being thrown through the time skip. They went under the Cloak, as the Sue was the only person in the room. 

That was when Carrine the Generic Bully arrived and immediately put her wand to Uma’s head. The Sue was about to snap when **Proffessor Slughorn** arrived and welcomed the students to their first Potions class. 

“We know what he looks like,” Kat seethed through a mouthful of pancake, glaring at the link in the Words. 

“Not to mention that this is fifth year and it isn’t anyone’s first Potions class,” added Edward, opening a portal to the next chapter. 

“Have we got enough charges yet?” Kat asked as they stepped through into the classroom. 

Edward was about to reply when he caught the in-text author’s note and cringed. **(I’m gonna call him sluggie)** it read. “Charge,” he said. Kat pulled the notebook out of her pocket and began writing. 

**Lilly** appeared once again, and Edward portaled her away. The class were told that their table mate was their partner for the rest of the year. To the surprise of neither agent, Uma and Remus were sitting next to each other. 

Kat charged for the fifth-years making a first-year potion (Cure for Boils) as she swallowed her pancake. Then she charged for the Sue calling Remus “Rem”, taking deep breaths to control her building anger. “We need to finish this soon,” she said. “I can’t take much more.” 

Edward nodded. “Next good opportunity,” he said. A comma fell out of the sky as Uma went to gather the ingredients. “Or sooner. Stupid incorrect grammar…” 

“You should transfer to Technical Errors,” Kat said teasingly. 

Edward shrugged. “That would involve actually trying to get something from the Flowers. It’s not worth the effort.” 

A mini-Aragog was crawling towards the agents. **“Bullbadox powder** , I presume,” said Kat, looking at the Words. “It shows up quite a bit later, so it can stay for now.” 

Edward picked up the mini as Kat noticed the in-text author’s note: **(I don’t know the ingredients, plz don’t be mad).**

“Well,” said Kat in her most sarcastic tones, “maybe you could, I don’t know, look it up? The wiki is there for a reason, and I’m pretty sure at least some ingredients are mentioned in _Philosopher’s Stone…_ ” 

Four asterisks and three full stops fell from the ceiling. The agents tried to tune out of the fic as the Sue accidentally-on-purpose made the potion explode, covering Carrine in boils. 

Another set of four asterisks and three full stops hit the ground. Carrine was yelling at Uma, and was told to go to the hospital wing by Professor Slughorn (or “Sluggie”. The agents winced once more.) 

Uma was allowed to go on the condition that she attended the Slug Club. “Oh, yes, she’s so speshul,” Edward muttered. “Not massively OOC for Slughorn, though.” 

Uma left to be greeted by James, who was wondering something, which was left as a cliffhanger. The agents quickly portaled to the next chapter, having no desire at all to find out what James was wondering. 

******“Do you want to be a Marauder?”** ** **

“No!” screamed Kat. “No!” 

“Shut up, you’ll break the SEP field,” Edward snapped. He held out some Bleeprin as a peace offering immediately after. 

Kat gulped in air, looking like a goldfish. “She can’t become the fifth Marauder. She can’t.” Kat’s voice was carefully kept level and calm, but the bitterness behind it was undisguisable. “Please. Make this stop.” She shuddered and grabbed a whole six-pack of Bleeprin. 

“Charge for it,” said Edward. 

“Oh.” Kat replied. “Right.” She took a deep breath and then began to write in the notebook. There was a short scene between Carrine and Uma, and Uma had no time to answer James’s question. 

Edward pointed the CAD at James. 

[James Potter. Canon. OOC 99.8% CHARACTER RUPTURE! CHARACTER… bleep math error bleep bleep stag unicorn…] The CAD gave a final bleep and then fell silent.  
Kat scribbled down the charge. She still wasn’t quite back to her normal self but seemed to be coping. 

The next scene took place in the Defence classroom. The teacher was called Professor Sopel and he announced that the students were **practicing To defeat Bogarts!**

Kat wrote down a charge for randomly capitalising letters in the middle of a sentence while Edward portaled Bogart the oddly handsome mini to HFA. 

The fic actually managed to remember that the students had done that in their third year. The Sue was unsure about her biggest fear. 

“Watch out,” said Edward, “there’s about to be a – ” 

******_*flashback To yesterday*_ ** ** **

The agents were jerked through a backwards time skip, even less pleasant than a forward one. 

“– flashback.” 

The Sue was **walking on the Hogwarts ground.**

“Hang on,” said Kat, “if this is yesterday… then that was the day they arrived at Hogwarts, right? And after the Sorting Ceremony and the feast students go straight to bed…” 

“Ah,” said Edward, realising what she meant. “Time distortion.” 

Kat scribbled down the charge. 

That was when a silver unicorn came trotting up to the Sue. 

“Oh, no…” said Kat. 

The unicorn bowed to her. Edward cringed. Then it spoke to her. 

******“Your highness, my name is Saltan, and it is an honor!”** ** **

“Can we charge for American spelling?” asked Edward. 

“I have a strange feeling we’re about to get a much bigger charge,” Kat replied. 

The Sue asked how she could understand the unicorn, and sure enough: **“You are a princess, a princess of the unicorns, to be exact,”** Saltan pronounced. 

“Random double space,” said Edward. “Suppose I should be grateful that’s the only time the space bar buggered up.” 

Kat had dropped the notebook. If her earlier yelling had been bad, this was far worse. “You cannot do that,” she said jerkily and flatly. “That is an incredibly large breach of canon for no other reason than to seem speshul.” 

Edward glanced at his sister. “Are you all right?” he asked, swallowing three tablets of Bleeprin. 

Kat nodded. She picked up her notebook and began writing in it. Her fingers moved incredibly slowly and she paid close attention to making her handwriting as perfectly neat as possible. 

The Sue then asked to ride Saltan. To the horror of the agents, Saltan let her. Then he asked the Sue to meet him in the **forbidden Forrest.**

Edward portaled Forrest the mini-Aragog to HFA. He had done that so many times this fic it had almost become a reflex action. “What’s the **centaurs long long**?” 

“I don’t know and I don’t want to know,” said Kat. 

Apparently, the centaurs long long was causing trouble in the Forest. 

“So… I know! Brilliant idea! Let’s send a clueless fifteen-year-old in to sort it out!” 

As soon as the Sue agreed, the agents were pulled back to the present and the DADA classroom. 

Uma was asked to go first so she walked towards the chest. 

**And stood before** the Sue **was a centar, standing by a dirty unicorn, it was saltan!**

“Not another one,” Edward muttered, opening a portal to HFA. Centar climbed gratefully through it. 

The Sue burst into tears and ran. 

Edward burst out laughing. “Have you ever seen anything more pathetic? A bit of dirt and one centaur and she completely cracks!” 

“That’s not funny,” said Kat. 

“I didn’t mean you, Kat. Anyway, this fic is a whole lot worse than her stupid Boggart.” 

Kat nodded vigorously and returned to her slow, careful writing as Edward glanced at the Words. 

“She goes to the Room of Requirement,” said Edward. “We kill there. If you get the Sue, I’ll take the phoenix with the stupid name. The bits should meld into canon fairly well.” 

“Normally I’d suggest keeping the CAF,” said Kat. “But a phoenix…” 

“Never,” said Edward. 

Kat nodded vigorously. “Now how are we supposed to kill a functionally-immortal bird?” 

Edward shrugged. “Dropping it in the bottom of the ocean should work.” With that he opened two portals: one to just outside the Room of Requirement and the other to the Owlery, where the phoenix was presumably staying. 

“See you later,” he said, stepping through one. Kat stepped through the other and leaned casually against the wall to wait for the Sue. 

It didn’t take long before Uma arrived, tears stinging her eyes. 

“Hello,” said Kat. 

“Excuse me, can I get through?” Uma asked. 

“No,” said Kat before opening her notebook and beginning to read. “Uma Wwhite,” she said, keeping one eye on the Sue, “also known as Mary Sue, you are charged with… an awful lot of stuff. Being a Mary Sue, creating an army of mini-Aragogs, having a phoenix with a stupid name for no reason other than to look speshul, having a trajik backstory, being a childhood friend of James Potter, making enemies for stupid reasons, creating silly traditions to give you an excuse to show off in front of everyone at Hogwarts, being invited to become a Marauder, sending James Potter extremely OOC, making a canonical species sentient, being the princess of the unicorns, and really, really, really annoying PPC agents, plus a lot of other stuff I can’t be bothered to list. The sentence is death. Any last words?” 

Kat pulled her dagger out of her pocket as she said that and angled it directly at the Sue. 

“What do you mean?” asked the Sue plaintively. 

Kat stabbed the Sue in the throat. Uma collapsed and tried to choke out “Remus…” 

“Bad idea,” said Kat, and stabbed her again for luck. The Sue’s body soon returned to the original yellow cube. Kat had to stay where she was, because Edward had the RA. She packed the crash dummy away in her backpack. 

As she was waiting, she remembered the hyperspace guitar and began pacing back and forth, thinking _I need the Sue’s bedroom…_ The door handle appeared and Kat went in, picked up the guitar and returned straight away. 

Edward portaled in only a few minutes later. 

“Still waiting?” he asked. 

“No,” said Kat, “I’m done. Got the guitar too – some agent must want it?” 

Edward nodded. 

Kat smiled. “Come on,” she said, “let’s go home.” 


End file.
